Thursday, August 30, 2018

Spiderwebs and Identity


The morning of the first day of school, I stepped outside early to enjoy the crisp air before waking up our three kids. I welcomed the beautiful mountains and mist so typical of our magnificent Rabun County. Shimmering patches on our fence caught my eye and I walked over to investigate. The spiders had been busy the night before, casting their webbed nets in order to catch insects that happened to fly by. The early morning mist had strung pearls of dew along their lines. Some of these shimmering webs were no more than a few square inches while others claimed a square foot or more of open territory between the slats of the fence.

I love spiders. Spiders help reduce the numbers of unwanted insects around our doors and windows and are, undeniably, some of the greatest artists in our natural world. They also are harbingers, heralding the coming changing of the seasons. When I see the proliferation of their webs this time of year, I know that fall is approaching with its pumpkins, leaves in hues of rust and gold, and children in costume with hands outstretched waiting for candy and treats.

Of course, the spider doesn’t know I respect its work or that I’m admiring its artistry. It is by instinct and identity that the spider weaves its web. I have wondered before if a spider is irritated when a human walks through its web, destroying it as we dance in panic. Does the spider laugh or cock its head in curiosity at the sight of us as our posture instantly changes from a leisurely stroll to flailing body, our arms grasping at the web that is now plastered to our faces and our feet hopping in hopes of shaking free any spider that may now be in our hair on our person?

Do you suppose an adolescent spider struggles with confidence and identity the same ways our children do? When sports seasons change, I ask my kids if they want to play a different sport or sign up for a new activity. I have been surprised and dismayed when they have responded, “No. I’m no good at that.” Of course, my immediate reply is, “But that’s the point! You take the class or join the team to learn how to play or do it. You don’t start knowing how. No one does!” I don’t remember having this thought when I was a kid. Perhaps I said the same thing to my parents but, if I did, those conversations are no longer in my memory bank.

I confess that I worry about the illusions that pervade the world of my children’s youth. We see finished products that took hours to create and lives that have been carefully curated. Not many people show their whole lives on their social media accounts, opting instead to share only the best and most polished moments. Celebrities post pictures of themselves that we can too easily believe are from their behind-the-scenes “real” lives but which have been carefully staged and photoshopped. If we only ever see these perfect images, do we run the risk of believing their lives are effortless? And, if that’s the case, do we also run the risk of not attempting more in this lifetime because we think we have failed if we aren’t guaranteed success the first time we try something?

I’m afraid of the subtle messages that creep into our minds as we gaze upon perfectly airbrushed covers of magazines and highly produced advertisements. Too easily we can shift from admiring the picture or person to wanting to be like them to despairing that we’ll never be like them. Quickly we can succumb to a defeatist attitude, one that would tell us to give up before we ever begin because we could never attain perfection.

I’m worried that we aren’t exposed enough to the hours and hours of work that produced the perfection our culture portrays. We don’t see the forty to fifty hours a week the athlete spends on the training field. We aren’t witness to the time spent with hair and makeup professionals.We certainly aren’t privy to the editing room where artists and photographers take raw film and photograms and transform them over hours into the finished product that will grace the screen or the magazine rack.

My prayer is that my children learn to be more like the spiders. I doubt any young spider ever looked at the work of another and thought, “I’ll never be able to do that as well as they do. I might as well give up.”

No. The spider weaves her web because it’s what she was created to do. Out of the instinct of her identity, she begins her work, connecting silky thread to silky thread. In the end, she has cast her net imperfectly but beautifully, a work of art that will be unlike any that has come before; and impermanent, lasting only a day or two before needing to be repaired or rebuilt entirely. She lives comfortably and confidently as she was created by God to be. She weaves her web and we are blessed enough to gaze upon the fruit of her labors.

May we all inhabit our lives as God created us to be, each beautiful and unique and beloved. May we cease comparing ourselves to others. May we have the good sense to turn away from the illusions of our society, choosing instead what is real: the child of God inside each of us, imbued with particular talents and called to particular ministries. May we strive, not for illusory perfection, but to weave the webs of our own callings.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

In-N-Out Philosophy for Life

A few days ago we made a U-Turn off the interstate. We saw the In-N-Out Burger sign and a quick map searched revealed this would be our last chance to down a double-double or animal-style fries before leaving In-N-Out country. We hopped off I-40 and doubled-back. In east Texas we passed up our last chance for a Buc-ee's stop on this voyage and didn't want to double-down on regret by adding In-N-Out to that list.
Moments after walking through the door, we remembered it was lunchtime on a Sunday and everyone wanted their In-N-Out fix. But, never fear, In-N-Out laughs at a crowded dining room and line out the door. This restaurant runs like a machine and the staff makes short order of long lines of hungry patrons.
This final visit marked our third visit to an In-N-Out and watching the team behind the counter as they prepared dozens of burgers and orders of fries got me thinking: Why was In-N-Out so much better than other restaurants? More over, what can this enigma of a fast food chain teach us about life? With no further introduction, here is my In-N-Out Philosophy for Life.

Lesson #1: Don't try to be everyone else.
In-N-Out has four food items on their menu. That's it. They have a hamburger, a cheeseburger, a double cheeseburger, and french fries. Actually, you could say they only have two things on their menu, fries and a burger. The fries come in one size and one size only. There's a "secret" menu but these all have to do with how you take your burger or fries. It doesn't include more menu items.
When I walked into In-N-Out the first time, I thought, "What? That's it? Where's the chicken sandwich, the fish filet? Where are the nuggets and special kids meal?" I was surprised this stripped-down burger joint was the place of myth and legend. When I asked for a side of mayo, the clerk patiently smiled and said, "Sorry, we don't have mayonnaise." What?! No mayo?! I was dubious and suspicious.
But, now, I appreciate the sparse menu. In-N-Out knows what they do well and aren't trying to be someone else. They aren't adding seasonal items to compete with the arches or little redhead down the street. Their signs and uniforms are old school, not having changed much since the 50s.
How many times have you started a book, joined an exercise class, or bought clothes or a new car because you see others doing those things and you think you need to do the same? We log into our various social media accounts, look at our friends' pictures and think, "Oh. Should I be doing that?" Or, worse, "Am I failing because I'm not doing that?"
We all have some version of the arches and the little red head, that person or family down the road we see build a pool, buy a trampoline, go on a yearly ski trip, buy a brand new car, add items to their menu that make us wonder if we need to do the same. For some of us, we can't help but feel the need to compete. For others, we see another person's shiny new thing and wonder if we're failing at life if we aren't matching them step-for-step.
As we like to say today, "Let them do them. You do you." Stop trying to be everyone else. We all have enough work on our plates trying to be ourselves without adding the load of pretending to be someone else as well.
Which brings us to the next rule...

Rule #2: Stick to doing what you do well and work on perfecting it
In-N-Out doesn't expand their menu and add the latest fast food fad because they don't have to. According to the company's website, it all began in 1948 in California when Harry and Ester Snyder opened a restaurant serving "the freshest burgers, fries, and drinks in a friendly, sparkling-clean atmosphere."
Those of you who have never been to an In-N-Out may not believe me when I tell you that the stores we visited on this trip lived up to that mission set by the Snyders in 1948. We met friendly team members and found clean counters and bathrooms at all three stores we visited. During our last visit, the restaurant was packed and the team members diligently moved costumers through. We hovered, waiting for a place to sit. We hopped into seats at a counter as soon as they were empty. When a team member came by to wipe the counters, my husband thanked her and apologized that we were in her way. She said, "No, sir. Thank you. Without you all here, we wouldn't have a job."
The In-N-Out company hasn't spread their resources thin or confused their brand by trying to diversify to keep up with the chains down the street. They've perfected their product and have remained true to it.
What would it look like for us to be equally true to ourselves? To discover what we do well, what we love to do, and focused on that rather than being distracted by all the "latest and greatest" everything that pops in front of us? I'd wager more of us would be happier. Just think about what your life would be like if you honed in on just a couple of things you love and do well and committed yourself to developing them. Imagine dedicating yourself to living fully into your authentic self by resisting the urge to do what everyone else is doing.

Rule #3: Keep it real.
This is a big one. In-N-Out isn't messing around when it comes to their commitment to freshness. We sat on all three visits where we could watch the kitchen. Before our eyes, team members peeled and cut fresh onions and tomatoes, washed crisp lettuce, and hand-cut potatoes for french fries. The lettuce isn't separated and stacked when it's washed. The line cooks tear off a handful of lettuce the moment before they stack it on a burger patty. No fast food restaurant does this. Hell, hardly any chain restaurant does this, period. It's why the food at most chain places has way too much sodium in their food. They have to add it as a preservative because they pre-process the dishes they serve.
Food gets tired and stale and no amount of sodium can make it better. One chain restaurant starts to taste like the next, regardless of whether you picked up your burger at the drive-thru or you paid $12 to have it brought to your table by a kid in khakis and a red knit shirt. They can dress it up but it's still tired and stale.
And we are, too. When we don't take care of ourselves, we add our equivalent of sodium to our lives. Some of us will use every filter and gimmick on our social media accounts to post touched-up selfies, trying to make up for the dark circles and lack of glint in our eyes. When people ask us how we're doing, we answer, "Fine," and wait for the same response. A fog covers our lives and we grow stale. We're distracted by what others are doing; we aren't tending ourselves and we become stale. Then we cover ourselves with any number of facades, pretending we're great and have it all together.
We need to keep it fresh. We need to get outside, literally and figuratively. We need renewal and newness and honesty. We need it for ourselves and we need it from others. Keep yourself fresh, friends. When you find yourself covering up and piling on the pretense, don't explain it away because that's what everyone does. Instead, see it for what it is: a red flag. Slow down, turn around, assess. What's happening that you're pretending to be refreshed rather than seeking the real thing?
We accept way too much of the junk food each other is selling. Maybe we're tired and maybe we're fatigued but the result is that we choke down each other's sodium laden falsehoods as though they were fresh off the vine. At the same time, we smile when we encounter someone who's authentic and say, "She was refreshing!" May we all strive to be refreshing!

#4: If it's good, people will wait.
The day we made the u-turn off the interstate for our last In-N-Out Burger stop, we found a packed restaurant. We happened to catch the line when it was only six-deep. Right after we got our food, three bus loads of teenagers formed a line out the door. Here's the thing: no one was ill or complaining. No one was angry and no one left once they saw the long line. Everyone stood and waited because they knew it would be worth it.
Similarly, the restaurant staff weren't freaking out either. They did their jobs. The cashiers, with smiles and patience, took orders. The floor staff cleaned tables and kept the drink station stocked. The line cooks prepared their orders and the guy at the fry station kept dishing up crispy potatoes. They were working hard but none of them looked harried and none of them were freaking out. They knew people were there because In-N-Out sells a good product and it's worth waiting for.
People worth having in our lives are the ones who aren't going to rush us; aren't going to push us to becoming something we aren't or rush us out the door half-cocked all the time. And we're all worth waiting for, every one of us. As you work on yourself, focus on honing your authentic self, and keep your mind, body, and spirit fresh. Hopefully you'll realize your time is worth taking. Your better self is worth the wait, and other people will see that too. . . at least, the ones worthy of keeping around.
We don't have to go crazy because everyone around us is losing their stuff. I love two idioms: "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and, "A lack of planning on your part doesn't make it an emergency on mine." Keep your head down and stay focused. You do you, and you do that well. The work will get done, the task completed, the boxes checked. Be confident in yourself and get your work done. Others can wait and you don't need the added stress in your life that they might bring from theirs. Only accept pressure you put on yourself and only accept that with a hearty dose of reason and skepticism.

Rule #5: Communicate. You're not the only person on the line so don't act like it.
This rule is one that doesn't only apply to In-N-Out Burger, but is universal to every successful and well-managed restaurant. Efficient kitchens and restaurant teams, especially ones that don't get overwhelmed and exasperated, are ones that talk, constantly. At In-N-Out, the cooks are talking to one another and the cashier. The runners and cashiers tell the cook at the fry station what they need and if any orders need fries that are cooked extra-crispy.
I watched this at a local restaurant in Ruidoso, New Mexico, earlier in our trip. At 9:30 on a Tuesday morning, the Cornerstone Bakery Cafe was hopping and there was a waitlist for tables. I sat and watched the staff of servers and take-out team members talk to each other. One woman answered the phone and patiently told the customer on the line about their many pies. Once the customer had chosen which pie would be their desert that evening, the server hung up the phone then told everyone behind the counter the name of the customer, what kind of pie she ordered, when she would be by to pick it up, and where the server was putting the pie behind the counter. The rest of the team communicated back with her, saying, "Got it!" and, "Thanks!" The meal we had at Cornerstone was one of the best of our whole trip and came with the best service.
None of us are working our figurative griddle in a vacuum. We're all part of a team, whether we want to admit it or not. Our teammates are family members, coworkers, and friends. We do nothing alone, ever. Even long solitary hiking trips are preceded and followed by the support and work of friends and family. You aren't in this alone, no matter what "this" is, so don't act like it. Start talking. Your teammates need you and you certainly need them. Open your mouth and communicate.

Rule #6: Include more people and fewer machines.
This last rule may be the most impressive. As I watched the kitchen at the In-N-Out, I realized how open it was. Most fastfood kitchens are tight, comprised of two or three narrow galley kitchens. The "cooks" stare at towers of warming ovens, steamers, and heat lamps. They look at a wall of metal and buttons all day, reading orders then reheating food by pressing these buttons. These factory workers fill orders on an assembly line, much like workers in any distribution center.
In-N-Outs have big, open kitchens. The cooktops, prep areas, and fryers line the outside walls and the center is open to allow plenty of room for the team members to move and work. Because everything is fresh, In-N-Out kitchens have much fewer machines and lots more people. They have to employ more workers than a typical fastfood joint because they needs plenty of hands to slice, chop, and cook. As a result, everything tastes fresher and cleaner.
Fewer machines, more people.
At any given time, how many screens or radios are on in your house? On a Saturday morning, we may have on two tablets, one television, one or two phones, and Alexa playing the radio. Each family member is in his or her own room. Now, I'm not going to radically change some of this routine in our house because Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons are about the only two times when our family isn't all together doing things. All five of us are extroverts and like to be busy with one another, involved in some activity or another. But a quick Saturday morning inventory is telling.
I have picked up my phone when with friends or family to check something then felt guilty about being on my phone and looked up, only to find everyone else in the group similarly digitally engaged. Sometimes the phone activity feeds conversation but mostly it prevents us from talking with each other.  I'm sure you all have been at a restaurant and seen a family or group of friends silently looking at their screens rather than one another.
I've written before about my "talk to me" face and the interesting exchanges it has brought. Surely, there have been times when I would rather have been on my phone or tablet rather than listening to the details of a stranger's recent gallbladder surgery. But, I walk away enriched in a way that my phone never could have offered.
A key component to a richer life is the inclusion of more people- real people and not digital profiles. Employ fewer machines and more people. Your life may not be as efficient but will be much more interesting.
When we first stopped at an In-N-Out, I thought we were just checking a box off of our travel list. Certainly, I didn't think I was walking into a system that could teach us a thing or two about how to order our lives. But, nevertheless, there it was: a lesson for life. Keep your eyes peeled, friends. You never know when or where you might encounter your next source of inspiration.

Fleeting Life and Ash Wednesday

“Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” from the imposition of ashes in the Ash Wednesday service, Episcopal Book o...